The Department of Homeland Security released a primer on mandated new boarding procedures for domestic airline security set to go into effect today. One of these procedures - acceptable attire - was inspired by the clear bookbags made popular after numerous school shooting incidents. "These now-mandatory, transparent vinyl outfits will make it nearly impossible for any terrorist to smuggle in a weapon of any type, and must be purchased at a licensed vendor in the airport/train/cruise terminal (profits to DHS)," said Director Michael Charts-off. "Of course this ONLY applies to the untrustworthy citizens of the US. A DNC delegation of the World-First and Peace at all Costs religion led by Nasty Pelosi, Harried Reed, Dick Turban, Teddy the Whale, and Arlen Specter demanded prior to inflicting this, er, revealing these policies to the public that we continue to enforce the religious freedoms enjoyed by followers of Islam. Therefore, 'splodey-dope women will still be allowed to wear burkas, not use picture IDs and we still plan to take their absentee ballots 'just in case something happens on the plane.' Undocumented aliens stumbled upon by accident wandering inadvertently across our southern border will be immediately released with a Social Security Card, $1000 and an apology provided they are wearing this outfit. If found wearing any other attire, they forfeit the apology."
Photo credit: email from Nikki