Friday, March 30, 2007

Mathematical Proof of a Theorum

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? What, EXACTLY, does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give 110%. How about achieving 113.5%?

So what makes up "100%" in life? Enquiring minds want to know!

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer this difficult question:


Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And just look how far ass kissing will take you!

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with absolute mathematical certainty:
While "Hard Work" and "Knowledge" will get you close,
and "Attitude" will get you there...

It's the "Bullshit and Ass Kissing" that put you over the top.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dem Candidates Come to Terms

An unnamed Clinton staffer informed the press that Shrillary has found a place in her war room for both John Edwords and Barak Obamasama following late night negotiations.

"It all began when they acknowledged the need to kneel before her highness, and, well, what can I say? Ms. Clinton simply forced them to a 'meeting of the minds' so to speak."

When pressed for details, she denied any knowledge of where they went following the meeting, and neither the Edwords nor Obamasama campaigns have replied to the allegations.

The staffer did ask that no one put anything down on the new coffee table because "Edwords" is still a bit unstable after the week he had.

Hat tip: Fun Pics

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

A Van-Load of Global Warming Data

Havana, Cuba; March 27, 2007 -
al'Gore was unable to make his keynote speech at the International Invitational Symposium on Global Warming due to transportation difficulties. al complained that it was "...obvious the administration has once again hosed me to try to mask their ineptitude and to cause me embarassment. Furthermore, this unusual weather pattern is either evidence of what I forecast or BushHitler-Haliburton meddling with an atmospheric control weapon that will just hasten humanity's end. Either way, that chimp that stole my Presidency is behind it."
Happily for delegates, International weather expert Rosie O'Don'tell was willing to step into the gap and fill (almost) the void that ManBearPig's absence left.
Other "highlights" included Barbra "Flapjacks" Streisond providing a musical interlude, political commentary by Nataly "Embarassed to be an American" Maines, and a "duodenum reading" of environmental gloom predictions by Susan Saranden and Tim Rubbins.
Hat tip Fun Pics

Thanking God

Dear GOD:

I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive.

I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.

I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and to do better.

I'm thanking you FATHER, because You haven't given up on me.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

DNC Unveils Plan for Victory

DNC Speaker of the House, Nasty Pelosi (did we mentione she's a San Francisco liberal and the first ever female Speaker, and therefore completely above any criticism ya whiny-assed neocon?) unveiled the Democrat controlled Congress' plan for supporting our valiant troops to victory in BushHitler's illegal and Gaia-forsaken war.
At the cost of 6 bridges, 3 HUD contracts, 1 sports arena and 37 assorted minor porkings, Speaker Pelosi was able to build a monumental majority of 1 vote to "...eliminate funding for the evil, colonialization of Iraq by the President's goons. We hope freedom loving Muslim's everywhere see that it is only those evil b@stard Rethuglicans that are actually killing your Religion of Peace® friends; NOT those of us in the DNC so we expect that you will lay down your weapons and embrace us with open arms when you overthrow the US on our watch..."
picture credit - FunPic

Pooty Contest Winner Chosen

George Soros, billionaire and fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ar left political activist has labeled Hillary Clinton the "face of the new Democrat National Party."
Wogs on both sides of the aisle lined up for their chance at a little televised face time/sound bite. My favorite? Probably that of co-candidate and liberal panderer, Barak Osama-bama; "What about me? Unlike Hillary, I'm articulate, clean and never voted for the war. And I'm black."
When asked for comment, Teddy "the Whale" Kennedy is reported to have rolled over on the bar, burped, and said "What-evah. We, ah, at the DNC are, ahhhh, proud of the place, er, that, uh, who-evah that bi-yotch, uh, is; that she, ah, has been, ah, raised to. Are, uh, you buyin' the next, ahhhh, round?"
Tip of the chappeau for the pic goes to The Paperboy.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Best I Can Do After a Week In DC


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar; one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well... It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja-Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor,doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam!"

16 . Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds , "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath...
This made him a super-calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns on his blog for his friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Are Videotaped Beheadings Covered by Geneva?

by Ann Coulter

Sen. John McCain has been carrying so much water for his friends in the mainstream media that he now has to state for the record to Republican audiences: "I hold no brief for al Qaeda."

Well, that's a relief.

It turns out, the only reason McCain is demanding that prisoners like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed -- mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, the beheading of journalist Daniel Pearl and other atrocities -- be treated like Martha Stewart facing an insider trading charge is this:

"It's all about the United States of America and what is going to happen to Americans who are taken prisoner in future wars."

McCain, along with Sen. Lindsey Graham and Sen. John Warner -- or, as the Times now calls him, the "courtly Virginian" -- want terrorists treated like Americans accused of crimes, with full access to classified information against them and a list of the undercover agents involved in their capture. Liberals' interest in protecting classified information started and ended with Valerie Plame.

As Graham explained, he doesn't want procedures used against terrorists at Guantanamo "to become clubs to be used against our people." Actually, clubs would be a step up from videotaped beheadings.

Or as the New York Times wrote in the original weasel talking points earlier this summer: "The Geneva Conventions protect Americans. If this country changes the rules, it's changing the rules for Americans taken prisoner abroad. That is far too high a price to pay so this administration can hang on to its misbegotten policies."

There hasn't been this much railing about the mistreatment of a hostage since Monica Lewinsky was served canapes at the Pentagon City Ritz-Carlton Hotel while being detained by the FBI.

The belief that we can impress the enemy with our magnanimity is an idea that just won't die. It's worse than the idea that paying welfare recipients benefits won't discourage them from working. (Some tiny minority might still seek work.) It's worse than the idea that taxes can be raised endlessly without reducing tax receipts. (As the Laffer Curve illustrates, at some point -- a point this country will never reach -- taxes could theoretically be cut so much that tax revenues would decline.)

But being nice to enemies is an idea that has never worked, no matter how many times liberals make us do it. It didn't work with the Soviet Union, Imperial Japan, Hitler or the North Vietnamese -- enemies notable for being more civilized than the Islamic savages we are at war with today.

By the way, how did the Geneva Conventions work out for McCain at the Hanoi Hilton?

It doesn't even work with the Democrats, whom Bush kept sucking up to his first year in office. No more movie nights at the White House with Teddy Kennedy these days, I'm guessing.

It was this idea (Be nice!) that fueled liberals' rage at Reagan when he vanquished the Soviet Union with his macho "cowboy diplomacy" that was going to get us all blown up. As the Times editorial page hysterically described Reagan's first year in office: "Mr. Reagan looked at the world through gun sights." Yes, he did! And now the Evil Empire is no more.

It was this idiotic idea of being nice to predators that drove liberal crime policies in the '60s and '70s -- leading like night into day to unprecedented crime rates. Now these same liberal ninnies want to extend their tender mercies not just to rapists and murderers, but to Islamic terrorists.

Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Ronald Reagan and Winston Churchill had a differentidea: Instead of rewarding bad behavior, punish bad behavior. How many times does punishment have to work and coddling have to fail before we never have to hear again that if we treat terrorists well, the terrorists will treat our prisoners well?

Fortunately, history always begins this morning for liberals, so they can keep flogging the same idiotic idea that has never, ever worked: Be nice to our enemies and they will reward us with good behavior.

Never mind trusting liberals with national security. Never mind trusting them with raising kids. These people shouldn't even be allowed to own pets.

If the Democrats and the four pathetic Republicans angling to be called "mavericks" by the New York Times really believe we need to treat captured terrorists nicely in order to ensure that the next American they capture will be well-treated, then why stop at 600-thread-count sheets for the Guantanamo detainees? We must adopt Sharia law.

As McCain might put it, I hold no brief for al Qaeda, but what would better protect Americans they take prisoner than if America went whole hog and became an Islamic republic? On the plus side, we can finally put Rosie O'Donnell in a burka..

Political Pictionary

ri·no rahy no/ – noun.
plural -nos, (especially collectively).
an acronym standing for 'Republican In Name Only.' Frequently found posturing as spokesmen/women for the entire Republican party - strongly encouraged by the mainstream media. Frequently indistinguishable in policy from DNP politicians.
Photo credit - originally found on Drudge Report.


Isn't it ironic that those labeling themselves as "progressive" because they summarily reject everything traditional, are the very ones that demonstrate that they are usually the most intolerant of any contradictory viewpoint expressed?

Think I'm off on this hypothesis? Try this experiment:

Stand in front of a group of 'progressives' and mention that well over 75% of all terrorist acts are performed by Muslims. The outcry of your 'racism' and Islamophobia will be huge. You will be shouted down as a 'hater,' and potentially even physically accosted. It might even get you some airtime on a main stream media program as a classic example of a conservative biggot. The facts bearing out the truth of the statement will receive no scrutiny.

However, if you try dipping a cross in urine and presenting it as 'art,' that same group will raise a similar hue and cry over your right to 'express yourself' if a single, negative comment is made against your profane act. (I don't think anyone has yet had the courage to develop an image of Muhammed and immersed it in urine as art based on the threatened violence over cartoons...)

Similar examples are available in race relations, welfare programs, etc. Over the next few weeks I think I'll be posting a series of experiments to show the left for the two-faced lunatics they are. If anyone actually conducts them, I absolve myself from any liability for what happens. But when you get out of the hospital, drop me a line to detail your experiences and let me know where I underestimated the lunacy of the lefties.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

10,000 Year Old Liberal Remains Uncovered

Fox News Alert!
Archeologist Phil "Digger" Loam, released eagerly awaited photos of remains found in north-eastern Tennessee, US, of an individual that had evidently been caught in the southern-most creep of that period's ice age. Using it's dated, carbon footprint, scientists have conclusively identified these remains as those of a liberal from approximately 10,000 years ago. An apparent picket sign found next to it made on wooly mammoth hide has been translated as "Stop Global Warming" reinforcing the scientist's belief that this was an early "Progressive."
Current Global Warming jihaddist, al'Gore has not returned our requests for comment, but a spokesman informed Fox that the former Veep is currently investigating a potential "...long lost family member that was recently unearthed."
We'll keep you informed as this story breaks.

Friday, March 16, 2007

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

This was checked out for accuracy, etc on (I never realized that she had a pilots license!)

The Assicoated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather. National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination pilot error contributed to the accident, and the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rules) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rules) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph above was taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft.

I say she was very lucky. {Subby}

First Post - What a Thrill

Hello, I've been threatening to actually create my own blog for months. I've gone and done it. Thanks for visiting and come back again when I hope to have actually gotten serious about this.